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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

the dilemma of bringing up boys










So peoples the post em going to write today is based on a personal problem,,a domestic Issue...hmm yeah its about my Bro...my only bro who was born to my Parents after 4 daughters..(No doubt My parents tried really hard to have a son;p)


Khair so the issue is my bro...hmmm well when he was growing up , we had no intention to spoil him ..In fact we tried our level best NOT TO SPOIL...but having only son has its side-effects so it did cost us some of those side-effects..Now the issue is not that he is Spoiled..he is not..he still is much much better then his age-fellows..he doesnt go out much..he has good company..the thing is his changing behavior...we find it kinda difficult to keep the pace with the speedy  variations..


He is giving us real trouble these days..he is  youngest and em the eldest..we have age-gape of almost 10 years..he is my baby and I have literally brought him up with my mother..but things started to change when he turned 16..he challenges my Authority now..he somehow has realized that he is the Only son and he should be Boss not his Api..he is 18 now mashALLAH and things are even more complicated...so yeah peoples my bro is the talk of the post today..he is complicated to understand now..he has behavioral problems..actually there are other things too..
like...



  • he misbehaves with almost everyone in the family.
  • he doesn't like to have orders from anyone .
  • he reacts so much on pity things.
  • he keeps on wasting time on his cell instead of studying...and when we tell him to focus on books ..he shouts and misbehaves.
  • he criticizes on everybody now..
  • he is stuck in his room like 24/7...wastes times in every possible manner..
  • when we try to reason with him..he pretends to be the Most Wise man on earth.
  • and he acts as if he knows every thing..and he knows better then anyone else.. (me and my father included..).
  • you try to talk to him and he just doesn't listen..and the list goes on and on.
  • In short he is a walking tik tok Bomb in the House..every body avoids stepping on his tail..or there is a Blast!! if you know what I mean!!/..



I have discussed this with some of my male friends and they have told me "its normal!" and that he will be fine like after 2/3 years..this is a phase and there is nothing to worry about..IS IT? I mean okay I know it could be a phase..as bringing up four daughters , My poor parents had absolutely no experience of taking care of a Son..so may be it made things a little complicated here..it happens right? 


Daughters are so easy-going..I mean we are four..and all four of us are so caring towards our parents..we love our father,,em not saying that my bro doesn't..but there is something that is missing from the picture..we care for our parents..and he doesn't seem to be doing that much! this is a constant tension for all Four of us..see we are the daughters and we ought to leave our parent's house sooner or later..its our Bro who is somebody that my parents will be looking up to once we are gone to our In-Laws..so we are really worried for him..and we are worried for our parents too..


My parents have brought us in a wonderful manner..all four of us are highly Educated, Confident and strong..but that doesn't matter here...we are not supposed to stay with them for long...so all the hard work goes in vain..right? its my bro whose bringing up matters most and I fear we just couldn't handle it properly..may be They (my ummi ubba) dint know how to bring up a boy after FOUR daughters!! They kept him under the same rules and lines! hmmmm complicated! hai na? 


Khair so my Friends keep on telling me that its going to be just fine..your bro is fine and there is nothing wrong with him..all the boys int he world behave in the same stupid way when they are in this age-phase..so chill and cool down...and Honestly peoples I have tried to cool down and I have tried my level best no to think much about it..but I just cant help it..being the eldest in the family..em the one who is most attached with my parents..


and besides I have partly brought him up along with my mother..he is my baby too...
I used to do all the Boyish things with him when he was a young kid..I worried so much that he had no one else to play with that I volunteered to be his Boy Play-mate..we have done things together..that Include..watching wrestling...car racing, cricket,hockey,action movies,and what not! I was his elder bro too...he is attached with me..or he was! not sure about it now...hmmmm well I better spit it out now..


yes this is the thing that's troubling me the most this moment ..the thought that he is not attached with me any more..not in that way..that pissed me off badly..and then I think if I have done something terrible to spoil that attachment..like criticizing on him 24/7!! don't know..but yeah this is problematic ...and it keeps me worried all the time...he is past his F.sc and should ponder more about his Future Plans but he Doesnt seem to care much about it.That is a real issue now..


What to do peoples? if you have more experience of bringing up boys and then Handling them ..please share that with me,.and do tell me if em not OVER-REACTING?!!

37 comments:

  1. In large measure I agree with those who tell you that it's normal. Certainly normal for him to be challenging your authority or accepting orders. In a year or so you will have no authority over him and no power to give orders, so maybe you should be looking for negotiated settlements - which may not be to your liking.

    I am a bit non-plussed by your assertion that girls are easier. They are - sometimes. But that was not our experience. Maybe you should be looking to see if some wrong turns have been taken through preconceived notions.

    I can but wish you all the best. Not knowing you or your family, you may have to take this with the proverbial pinch of salt. But every blessing to you all.

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  2. hey babe!

    its normal for all guys they think they can only keep control by being ill-mannered & yelling otherwise the female population will take charge!!!
    thats the general male mis conception because things are well handled only by love-

    so i think he`d stay this way- but guys do care about their parents- alot but dont show so u dont have to worry there!!!

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  3. Your friends may be right, he could simply be going through a stage in his development. For more information, try reading up on good books on that subject, you can surf info online. Might help you.

    Meantime, no need to fret and fuss over it. Just be there when he needs you ... like big sisters always do. Blessings to you all.

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. Only male child in the family is usually spoiled and goes through extremely tough years of teen age which becomes a major issue for everyone around. I would call this condition “a hormonal sufferance. “
    May be, he is lacking your brotherlike attention because U R addicted to your lappy and he feels ignored, yet there could be many other unknown reasons too.
    Note: Pepsi, coke and other sugary diet makes the condition worse.
    Alhamdulillah: Your brother still stands a good chance to be moulded - provided your dad start taking him to the nearby masjid for daily prayers and Friday prayer in particular.
    Trust me, once your little boss gets used to the practice, he'll be on “Straight Path”- -the best million time remedy.-----------------
    However, if the scenario has already gone beyond control, then take him for psycho analysis without further delay.
    God forbid - some kids of his age suffer from bi-polar disorder, which- if not treated earlier, becomes very messy in the later years - only to stay forever.
    Yet again—it seems as if this little teen will be back to normal after he is in his twenties hopefully.

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  6. Well my mother thinks otherwise. She think my little sister is a more difficult child than I was when i was younger....so I guess it varies from personal experience rather than it being based on gender. I am sure you guys have tried everything possible to get him back on track and probably have done out of the love and care you have for him. It is also true that he is going through his teenage phase where he is bound to act like this like most other boys do at his age. Now whatever any of us tell you or suggest to you about it ..... I feel that you will only become peaceful about it in you head when he is back on track after the erratic phase..... just live through that with him :) that is the only thing.... plus be normal with him ...don't make him feel like you are constantly worried about him ...the whole family that is.... make him feel normal ...not someone who is being tried to be fixed by the whole family... eventually he will settle down. That is my humble opinion.

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  7. I'm not sure how you're feeling but I've been on the other end of the scenario, your brother needs some good friends with whom he could share his daily life. I'm pretty certain that a good psychologist will help him out, trust my experience on this.

    This issue is not an issue of simple misbehavior, something is leading him to do this and he is either hiding or simply avoiding that.

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  8. Hahaahha OMGz do we share the same kind of brothers or what? :D

    I was, like, reading each bullet and mentally going "Check!"..."Check, he does that!"...in my head! :D

    Keep writing.

    Cheers!

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  9. let him enjoy his life to the fullest... freedom of expression :D

    Weakest LINK

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  10. i guess its normal for guys at this age .. just keep n eye on him. I guess all he need is attention, may be. just talk to em and ask em. :)

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  11. That is wrong I would suggest talk to him heart to heart.. You are elder and he should respect you no matter what.
    This is how i have been brought up respect others ..

    He is also growing up to be a man so he should learn how to respect. A bit more of attention and Talking does help ...

    Bikram's

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  12. Give him space. Let him feel that you respect the fact that he has grown up (even if he clearly hasnt). Only if he feels respected and understood will he take you as a friend and opens up.
    This is just a phase..give him time. But always keep a watch without him knwoing/

    M saying this coz i got a brother too...8 yrs youngr

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  13. There is saying in English that " When i grow up, i want a son first then a daughter. so my son would beat up any boy that makes my little girl cry."

    but here the situation is different, the son himself makes problems for his parents and sisters.

    and another is that "excess of everything is bad." i hope that you people loved him very much therefore he is acting like this.

    But Mishi don't worry about him. he will ok Inshallah.

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  14. Arrey Mishi...boys are meant to be like this only yaar... :) if we become good then who will be bad then??? :(( dilema :DD

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  15. I am sorry but misbehaving is bang out of order. Yes he is 18 and growing up and effectively the man of the house BUT there is no excuse for this. You shouldn't have to be scared of stepping on his 'tail'

    He needs to respect his family and his elders.

    Having said that he is 18 now and his own man, maybe he is feeling suffocated by all the attention and you just need to let him grow.

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  16. I think, like a lot of people mentioned here, it's normal. My younger brother is only 14 and he is already starting to show those signs.
    It's something that all boys who are turning into or have become men go through.
    Having said that no one should cut him slack because of it. He needs to realize that disrespecting others is not cool. He needs to learn to have patience and consideration for others.
    Interesting post, hope all works out!
    Tay
    x

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  17. Cut him slack, give him more freedom, but do keep check. It does not take much to go astray either.


    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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  18. its doesnt matter if its a spoiled sister or brother...it ALWAYS the youngest one that is spoiled...i have to go through the same thing as you !!! and my youngest brother came after two girls and two boys...so yea its just that the YOUNGEST of them all that shows these traits...

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  19. Sigh. I SO know what you mean!! I have an elder brother and a pair of twins. It gets pretty frustrating. I do agree with teh comments here.. he's probbaly going through a phase.. Or assumes he has noone to confide to. Make sure he knows you're thre for him:)

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  20. In my experience, everyone who is the youngest in their family is like that, especially when they are becoming adults.

    I know that it really is frustrating and worrying, so I suggest that you talk to your parents about him or ask him if he's okay and if he needs anything.

    And when he gets mad, be calm and remember: he's growing up..

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  21. hey mishi...Dat was a good post worth sharing..
    I have two boys ..but very young... its good till now and they are very receptive ..But thing will change when they grow up...Boys are more aggressive so ...its very easy for them to retaliate..
    Now about your Bro... I would suggest to be more open to him and try to understand his views and respect it ..which will come back to you..He is a teenager..and at this age ..anybody who gives an advice is a fool ...kids dont listen ...so the best remedy to handle this is ..."RESPECT" his views and try to accommodate ...this will turn around and come back to you in the same way...
    ...
    cheer up...its jus a momentary phase..But needs a careful handling.

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  22. OMG. You know what, each and every one of us Boys is a time-bomb when we are going through our teens. At nineteen or twenty he'll be back to normal.
    Harmones =D
    No need to fret. Girls are of course much easier to bring up. =D

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  23. hmm sometimes my bro also do the same. but its my mom who alz makes him understand. he never listen evn to my father just bcoz he starts scolding him,which he hates. dont tell him do this not this or like that. just be a lil bit friendly with him

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  24. May be it is normal or may be it is not .Point number one is not normal in my opinion .Rest of the things are typical teen -phase things .I feel that all of you sisters and your parents must convey him this message strictly that misbehaving is not acceptable.My parents used to be very strict with my brother if he took the love we showered on him for granted. I have this good feeling that the things are going to be fine because he has a very sensible and loving sister in you sister in you . God Bless :)

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  25. he should come around son enough Mishi.
    he of course is completely showered with love & attention - 4 sisters & parents - 6 people at his beck & call.
    dont worry...things will be fine. pls dont try to "control" him. he will resist even more & may purposely do things to spite u. once he knows certain behaviors are NOT acceptable even if he is the LAADLA of the house, he wil get some sense into his head. just coz u r the PET of the house doesnt mean everything is ok. he shud get this meesage soon enuf.
    i appreciate ur concern n love for him

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  26. Teen Phase and boys - this is common. Do not worry so much , try to talk to him and sort out things that causes him problems. Soon he'll grow up into a handsome well mannered Man. Am sure you'll tone him through.. Keep your calm.

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  27. I think you're reading too much in his behavior. It does happen with everyone, see I am of the same age and at times it does feel like "wish I was more free" . It happens, try talking to him maybe indirectly not like you're advising him. Rest will be fine.

    Cheers!
    Vijay

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  28. well...i have a bro who is about the same age and he behaves the same... i think it is normal for that age bracket 16-20 for boys..and it has nothing to do with being only son...as my bro is younger than me and is hence not the only :) hope everything will turn out better after his 20 :)

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  29. I am 16 my bro is 4 and i have spoiled him so much that once he asked his teacher to have dinner with him....:D
    he beats other kids like wrestlers do...and
    he is like the naughtiest child anyone would have ever seen.
    and my mom is always blaming me :D
    and ur brother, well its not normal, to at least me, it's like as if he is too much pampered...u guys should get serious with him, teach him (not beat him)
    that he's got to be responsible

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  30. I also have a brother. before, i dont know what to do.. i was crying because i dont know how will i gain his respect and love.
    the only thing that helps me, when--
    I let him feel that he is respected and understood.. I also treat him as a friend by joking and talking to him. in return, he let me feel that he love, trust, and respect me too.

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  31. idiot box(TV), mobiles,.. da whole gen is like this... let them da way they are, with time, and maturity all will be fine, i can understand what you and all in da family might be going thru... but at times we are helpless... MISHO MISHO :)... kp smiling yaarrrr,..

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  32. well..personally i don't agree that its totally normal.....i personally feel that misbehaving with parents and elder sisters is something to be looked into and a message must be conveyed that misbehaving will not be tolerated....rest of the things may get better with age...!!

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  33. I am so thankful to all my Friends here for all the valuable advises..Thank you so much..you know what I'm more clear about it now..and em not that worried now..I guess I know what I need to do now:-)
    I will be friends with him..and will stop criticizing him..I tried this and its working..I need to win his confidence back..Thankz you guys..love you all...You have been so supportive,.thankoo:-)

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  34. I have 2 younger brothers and I experienced this thing twice. I just let them be but if they offend me, I tell them. Men don't like to be nagged, much more with boys. Allow your parents to take in the reins. If you all do something, he will feel ganged up. Just let your parents do it. Like a one-on-one thing. And pray to Allah ta'ala that this phase will bring out the best in all of you, and will make your family stronger. :)

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  35. Mishi,

    Relax. It is normal for not only boys but even girls to start craving for freedom or recognition once they are in teenage. However in few cases it does cross acceptable limits. I always maintain that children need to be treated in more friendly way once they cross certain age. It is not fault on your part or your parents. If you wish, I can suggest some ways of changing this situation but I will need little more information. My id is in my profile. Hope I can be of some help.

    Take care

    PS : Some time ago I wrote a post on relationship between children and parents.

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  36. I liked the way you described him 'tic tok bomb'. I am a little helpless here as I have no experience. Hope things get sorted out soon for you and he begins to understand things.

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  37. you've got some awards hun!
    http://www.mykissenmakeup.com/2011/08/awards-galore.html

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